Revolutionary Girl Utena: The Black Rose Boinks
by Yadda Talkalot
Summary: A parody of Utena episodes 14-17. Only read if you like humor, or you are a giant pineapple. Beware, OOCness, Touga glomping, fangirls, and Akio. Read, Review, Run away screaming.
1. The Seriously Messed Up Theme Song

Okay, since I know that Random Guy will have my ass-(not like that, sorry all homosexuals with hope) I guess I should write the disclaimer right now.

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Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN UTENA. (*pause*) DO NOT SUE. I SUE BACK. (*cough cough-pencils-cough cough*)

By the way, Alexi is reading every word I type, so she will be laughing at every errerrr.

WE ARE HYEeNAS.

Okay, This is pretty much the Utena cast from episodes 14-17 (Alex typed "episodes 14-17" and she was about to spell it epsidodes, shame she caught the errerrr)

So here it goesss.

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Title: Revolutionary Girl Utena: The Black Rose Boinks.

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By: Yadda Talkalot (with help from Alexi Serenitia)

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Chapter One: The Seriously Messed Up Theme Song

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The beginning of the theme song played.

"We're floating around on roses!" said Utena. 

"Cool!" shouted Anthy. Then their hands were being pulled away. Suddenly Nanami shouted out: "TAKE MY REVOLUTION!" Everyone on the set stared at her.

"You're not in this theme song...."

"Yes I am!" Said Nanami. 

"Oh yeah!" said Utena. "I forgot."

"Damn..." Anthy said. "Wish we could have gone with Utena's idea..."

"COOL!" said Utena. "We are walking with a whole bunch of random people! And then we're turning around!"

"AHHHH! IT'S JASON!!" Anthy said when she turned around. Jason was behind Anthy and he had a chainsaw. Which makes me wonder if Anthy has eyes in the back of her head.

"Of course she does! She's an ALIEN!!!" screamed Kanae. Everyone looked at her.

"Well, we know that you AREN'T in the theme song!'

"Oops! Hee hee!" she says and walks off. Anyway...

"And YOU aren't even IN this show!" Shouted the director to Jason. Jason scratched his head.

"Sorry." As Jason walked out, he cut off the director's and Kanae's heads. He turned around at the crowd.

"Couldn't resist..."

"We don't mind! YAY! Field Day!" Cheered Touga. Everyone else joined in. Suddenly, a crazy Authoress Named Alexi Serenitia appears. She is trying to take over the world in her schedule right now so I don't know why she would be here...

"TOUGA!" She squeals glomping Touga. Touga grins as he looks to Akio, and then a chart that appeared out of nowhere. Suddenly a tally-mark appeared in one of the columns.

"Bastard..." murmurs Akio.

"Looks like I have more fangirls!" Touga said smugly. Alexi cleared her throat. 

"Can we continue?" She said. Everyone suddenly got back to work.

"Yay! We're in a rose garden!" said Utena.

"Not anymore! Now we're in a field!" said Anthy. "Lets look into each others eyes as if we were lovers!"

"Good Idea!" Utena said. "Ooh... pretty rose..." 

"Hey! Our shadows are spinning round and round!"

Utena's shadow threw up.

"And now I am in my rose bride dress!" Said Anthy happily.

"Hey, now we are in the arena, I wonder how, we didn't climb all those horrible stairs..."

"Yay!" Alexi said. "I get to name all the duelists in this scene! Utena, Saionji, Juri, Miki, Nanami... and SEXY!!" She said, glomping Touga.

Touga smirked at Akio. "I HAVE MORE FANGIRLS THAN YOOOOOU!" He taunted.

"Hey, I could EASILY manipulate her little mind if I wanted to..." Akio said simply. "But I don't. She's an _authoress_." He said it like people would say the words 'cat shit'.

All of the sudden, Crystal appears out of nowhere... apparently, she is the co-director of this whole operation...

"HEY! CAPIPITALIZE THAT!" She shouted angrily. "OR I WILL MAKE YOU DRESS IN DRAG AND DO THE HULA!"

(Last minute disclaimer: I don't own the Lion King. Though I do own it on VHS...and I don't own Jason or the Friday the Thirteenth movies. And yes, "capitalize" and any other word I say that might be slightly or totally incrorrect is totally at my will.) Anyway...

Akio rolled his eyes. "_Authoress._" Crystal nodded with satisfaction.

"Much Butter."

"You know you want me," Akio said. Crystal grinned.

"When was I ever attracted to people who were incest?" 

Anthy winced.

"Besides, Crystal likes MIKI!!" Alexi grinned.

"I never said that!!" Crystal yelled. "I SAID HE WAS CUTE, THAT'S IT!!"

Alexi shrugged. Suddenly, A TON OF RABID MIKI FANGIRLS ran in and tried to glomp Miki. They were shot by Kozue.

The chart (which was still there), magically made a new tally.

"Looks like Miki has more fangirls than ALL OF YOU!!" Alexi grinned.

"SHIT!!" Akio and Touga cursed.

Suddenly, the EVEN MORE RABID JURI FANGIRLS appeared. Another tally was made.

"And Juri has even more fangirls than Miki, who has more fangirls than Akio and Touga!!" Alexi grinned more.

"WE GOT BEAT BY A GIRL?!" Akio and Touga screamed.

"Yep!" Utena popped up. "I think that certainly says something about your manliness, Touga and Akio..."

"Go Miss Juri!" Miki cheered.

"BACK TO THE THEME SONG!" Alexi and Crystal said.

Before the theme song continued, Akio slipped his business card into Crystal's pocket. She didn't notice. Anyway-theme song.

"Cool!" Utena said. "We're flying to an upside-down castle on carousel horses while wearing armor!

"Damn, we make this look good!" Said Anthy. 

"Shit! We're being pulled apart again!" shouted Utena.

"Miss Utena!!!!" wailed Anthy. 

"I WILL! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE THE WORLD!" Alexi started singing. Everyone pulled out their swords (not those swords, you dirty hentais you) warningly. 

(Note-I don't own the song "Change the World" by... uh... whoever it is by. I forgot.)

"Okay, I'll stop, I'll stop!" Alexi said, hands in the air.

"How long do we have to deal with these damn...ugh... _authoresses_?" Akio asked.

"CAPITALIZE!!" screamed Crystal. 

"Oh, fine, _Authoresses_." Akio flashed Crystal a sexy (or so he thought) grin. She still didn't notice. 

"Until the chapter ends," Saionji said, since he hasn't said anything this chapter.

"And it's about to," said Touga. "Damn, I'm sexy."

"Damn straight!" Said Alexi.

Then the chapter ended. The sky fell and nearly killed everyone.

"...Alexi? I think Akio is after me..." Crystal whispered, hours after the Utena cast left.

"Oh, don't worry, Crystal-chan!" Alexi smiled. "He's like that with EVERYONE!!"

"Oh, Dios save me..." Crystal sighed.

And Dios... didn't do anything, for he only helped UTENA now! For some unknown REASON!

"Oh, and by the way Crystal, Akio's business card is in your pocket," Alexi said.

"HE **IS **AFTER ME! AHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

The end of chapter one.

Oh yeah! My first fanfiction in more than a year! OH YEAH, OH YEAH! ^_^ Okay, sorry if this sucks, or if you find it offending... but I have a weird sense of humor, and so does Alexi. And Touga will not fall in love with Alexi, okay? (*Alexi sighs in disappointment*) and Akio DOES NOT LOVE ME. He's... uh... Akio. Duh. And I AM NOT AN AKIO FANGIRL!!

See you in the next chapter!!

PS: We are aware that Jason doesn't really talk. He just needed to, for the fic's sake.

Oh and by the way, for my Lauren's sake...

**__**

DIIIICCCCKKKIIIIEIEEEEEE!!!

That was for Lauren, I only said it for Lauren... Or so Alexi hopes.


	2. Boinks of the Black Rose

Authoresses Notes:

We are on a roll! I might get this fic DONE in a few days! YAY! Completed multi-chapter fic! Which is more than I can say Alexi has done... (*Alexi growls*) Anyway... READ! NOW!!

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Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN UTENA. (*pause*) DO NOT SUE. I SUE BACK. (*cough cough-

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Title: Revolutionary Girl Utena: The Black Rose Boinks.

****

By: Yadda Talkalot (with help from Alexi Serenitia)

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Chapter Two: Boinks of the Black Rose 

Utena swayed from the liquor she had consumed earlier that evening.

"WAIT! Isn't she supposed to be innocent?" Screamed Alexi.

"Oh who cares? This is a parody. And besides, more publicity if they do something wrong." Crystal grinned.

"Oh no! They're back!" screamed Touga. 

"Hey! You're not in this yet!" Alexi said. But then realizing who she was talking to, she glomped Touga. 

"SEXY!" She screamed. Crystal cleared her throat.

"Jeez, I gotta stop going to these parties..." moaned Utena. As she stepped to the door, She threw up on the welcome mat.

(Quick Disclaimer again: I do not own any of Stephen Kings novels, for, when Utena threw up on the door mat, I kind of took that from one of his short stories called "The Library Policeman" which is part of a book containing three other short stories. The book itself is called "Four Past Midnight". Yes, I am a big Stephen King fan.)

As Utena walked in she realized how beautiful Anthy looked, even though she never got to see her often enough on the weekends.

"Oh, Chu-Chu, I have left-overs. Now fall out a window. Maybe by chance you will land on the welcome mat," said Utena, placing the left-overs purposely on the windowsill.

Chu-Chu, loving food, went to get it, and he started to tip. "CHU-CHU!!" He cried. But Utena wasn't listening.

"I wonder where Anthy went..." Utena scratched her head. "Gee wiz, I don't see her a lot on weekends. I hope she isn't having incest with a brother of hers I don't know about..."

Anthy opened the door. "I'm back, Miss Utena!"

"Oh, Anthy!!" Utena said, still a little bit drunk. "Lets boink! Right after you tell me where you have been."

"Oh, I was out 'visiting' someone..."

"Who?"

"My brother."

"Oh." Utena turned to her bed. "WAIT A SECOND!!"

Anthy blinked. "What is it, Miss Utena?"

Utena spun to face her purple haired sex toy... err... friend. "YOU HAVE A BROTHER?!"

"Why, yes, Miss Utena. Don't worry... we're not having incest."

"Okay," Utena said, laying on the bed.

_Heh, she bought it... stupid girl,_ Anthy thought. "Now, lets just forget about my brother and boink now."

"Okay!" Utena said, still drunk.

Chu-Chu fell out the window and landed in the vomit on the doormat.

****

THE NEXT DAY!

"So, we are visiting your brother, right?" Utena said. Anthy nodded and smiled.

"Oh, and I really had a great time with you last night..." Anthy said.

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing, Miss Utena," Anthy smirked to herself. _Hee hee hee... boinking._

They both got into the elevator. Anthy pressed a button, and it went up. When it stopped, Utena looked around. "I think this is the wrong floor."

"No, silly girl, it's the right one. No wonder I was the butch last night..."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, Miss Utena."

The two teenagers walked into the room. "Gee," Utena said, looking at a giant machine type thing. "I'm really silly, so I'm going to ask if this is your brother."

"And I'm going to say it's not," Anthy said. The two saw two people making out.

"We should leave, Anthy," Utena said. "Those two are having a make out session, and we weren't invited."

"Oh... that's too bad... lets invite ourselves!"

"I don't think so," Utena dragged Anthy to the elevator and pressed the button.

"Wait! We're done now," Said Kanae, who mysteriously revived between chapters one and two.

She dragged the director for the first chapter into the elevator behind her. He was covered (literally, I mean no clothes, just lipstick) with kisses.

"Eeeeew..." Everyone said.

"Lets wait for her," Akio said.

****

FIFTEEN GAZILLION HOURS LATER!!

Kanae came back. "Okay, lets go back to the parody."

"Okay, I'm the acting headmaster, I like stars, blah dee blah blah," Akio said.

"And I love Akio, and we're getting MARRIED! FUN!" Kanae said.

"COOL!" Utena grinned. Anthy just smiled like a creepy person. Akio slid his eyes from Kanae to Anthy. Utena didn't notice, because she's naive. Kanae didn't notice because she was a blonde, even though she had green hair. 

"Anthy, I think your brother has some issues with stars," Utena whispers to Anthy. Anthy just smiled and nodded. I think she couldn't understand Utena clearly, because she was too busy looking at what was behind Akio's underwear that he obviously wore under his pants. 

"Come back any time! You are such a sexy-err... nice-girl, and I am glad you are friends with Anthy," Akio said. No one noticed Akio's slip, because he said so. He walked up to Anthy. "You're going to share her with me, like a good little sister, right Anthy?"

Anthy nodded. "Of course, 'big' brother," Anthy smiled.

Kanae smiled. "See you later, Anthy."

"Bye, Miss Kanae," Anthy said.

"We're going to be sisters! You should just call me Kanae," said Kanae. The two then had a staring match. 

"I win," said Anthy. Kanae shivered. _Boy, what I saw in her eyes was... sexy..._

Alexi popped up, with Crystal right behind her. "HOW CAN YOU SEE INTO MY EYES, LIKE OPEN DOOOOOORS!" Alexi sung. Crystal hit her with a mallet.

(Quick disclaimer: I do NOT own "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence)

"Continue!" Crystal shouted as she picked up the somewhat lifeless form of Alexi. Akio winked at Crystal.

"Oh my! Akio should be seeing ALOT of his sister for making up the time he wanted to spend with me!" Crystal mocked. Akio grinned slyly.

Kanae and Utena were just too naive/dense/whatever to notice any of this. Anthy just winced. Again.

"Don't worry, I'll have you soon enough," Akio murmured. Crystal heard him.

"Careful Akio. I just might castrate you."

"Oh yes. In the most DELIGHTFUL way!" Akio winked.

"Yeah. I'll just love to see all the blood and hear all the squishy sounds and the anguish in your voice when I dump a bucket of Iodine aaaaallllll over it!"

Akio winked. "That's why I think you would prefer the chains and whips. So you can't have your fun, and I CAN!" He unbuttoned his shirt.

Utena and Kanae were STILL too naive/dense/whatever to notice all this. Anthy just grinned. _I wanna join in... _she thought.

"Oh god! I just might drown in all the chesthair!" said Crystal.

"Wait, I DON'T HAVE CHESTHAIR!" screamed Akio, looking down.

"Made you look."

"Okay, ENOUGH with the flirting!" Alexi said, waking up, "Lets get on with this fic"

"Yeah, lets get on with it," Akio agreed looking at Crystal and smiling. Suddenly an anvil landed on Akio.

"Oops," said Crystal.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED AKIO!" screamed Alexi.

"YOU BASTARD... wait a second..." Anthy said.

(Quick disclaimer: I don't own South Park.)

Kanae and Utena were still to naive/dense/whatever to notice this. Man, I think they are on some sort of drug or something.

"You know perfectly well that he ISN'T dead..." Crystal said. 

__

Unfortunately! She thought.

Akio got out from under the anvil. "'Come' back any time, girls!" 

Anthy smirked to herself. Utena didn't get it. The two Authoresses groaned, then left before any more damage to Crystal's sanity could be done.

Wait, nevermind, WHAT sanity?

Mikage looked up to see two guys looking at him. "Hi there."

The guys nodded to each other. "Lets give it to him," One said, then pulled out a whip and fuzzy handcuffs. "Here, Mikage."

"Now gentlemen, you know I don't like bondage... and you really don't have to give me a present for my good work. Now leave."

The two men left, talking about how much of a genius Mikage was, and shit like that. Miki walked in.

"Ah, Miki," Mikage said. 

"Hi, Mr. Mikage," Miki said.

"Have you decided to join me, so we may rule the empire together (*cough! Cough! DARK SIDE Cough! Cough!*)?" Mikage asked.

(Quick Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars.) 

"Um... I don't think I am worthy of you," Miki said.

"Damn. You would have made a great addiction. Now, here's a random ice drink, because I put achohol in it. We can boink."

Miki didn't hear this. He drank it. Mikage smirked.

****

MUCH LATER!

Utena and Anthy were walking.

"Thanks for not telling Akio about my secret," Anthy said.

"No problem," Utena said. "It's none of his business if you are the Rose Bride, anyway."

"Also, thank you for not telling him about last night," Anthy added.

"What are you talking about?" asked Utena.

"Forget it," Anthy said.

As they passed a particularly old building, Miki walks out.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Utena yelled.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Miki yelled back.

"Nothin', nothin', just walking...talking..." Utena said.

"True, True," said Anthy.

"Yo Greg! Pick up the phone!" Called Miki. Suddenly, a guy with a phone that was not attached to anything appeared.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" He yelled.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Anthy yelled.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Utena yelled.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Miki shouted. He then called to some guy named...guy.

"HEY GUY! PICK UP THE PHONE!" Miki Screamed. Then Guy appeared from beneath a bush. That was kind of Ironic.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAP?!" Guy shouted. Everyone shouted it back. Afterwards Greg and Guy went their separate ways, only to find each other later and boink.

(Quick disclaimer: I don't own that, either.)

"For some odd reason, my rear end hurts... a lot," said Miki. Alexi appeared out of nowhenre. Again.

"Crystal, Why did you have to put my father in this? ESPECIALLY when it involves him with a BUSH?"  
"In the words of Jason who doesn't talk: 'I couldn't resist'."

The two Authoresses then disappeared, Alexi to grope Touga (just kidding), and Crystal to kill Akio. Alexi was REALLY just going to glomp Touga, but grope sounded funnier.

"Anyway, what are you doing here?" Utena asked, like Alexi and Crystal had never been there.

"Oh, stuff," Miki said.

"Man, Miki, you're weird. You study on your days off," said Utena.

"Yeah, I'm weird. And naive. AND MY REAR END HURTS, A LOT!! AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!" Miki yelled. "Anyway, check out this cool building."

"Oh, I never knew this existed, because I am a blonde," Utena said. "Or I was, in the early manga..."

"Oh, lots of students died in here, but that's not important. This building is BORING!" Miki said.

"Oh yes. Truly boring." Said Utena.

****

MEANWHILE!!

"Big brother, come out of your room, please?" Nanami asked.

"No," Touga said, playing depressing music.

"Fine, then I'll just take over the student council, and hit on Miki, since you're not doing it," Nanami said, running out of the house.

Touga ignored her. Suddenly, Alexi appeared. "TOUGA!!" She glomped him. Touga ran out of his room screaming, with Alexi attached. 

****

MEANWHILE! AGAIN!!

"I'm taking over the student council. And I'm going to hit on Miki," said Nanami. 

"Okay," said Juri. "Go ahead."

"My rear end hurts," said Miki.

****

MEANWHILE! AGAIN!! AGAIN!!

Kanae climbed into the elevator and sat down. She began to describe her problems to the child molester in there with her. 

"I felt so alive when i looked into Anthy's dead eyes. She's such an alien but she's so sexy!" Kanae said. The child molester laughed and told her to go deeper.

The porn freaks snickered, but who cares about them?

Kanae went insane. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HATE ANTHY! SHE MAKES ME THINK SEXY THOUGHTS ABOUT ALIENS! AND I THINK SHE'S SLEEPING WITH AKIO, WHO IS MINE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The elevator crashed. Kanae died. Just kidding about the second part.

Anyway...

"Come with me," Mikage, the child molester, said.

Kanae nodded, and walked into the room. "What the..."

"This BLACK ROSE RING IS MUCH MORE PURTIFUL THAN THE WHITE ONE!!" Mikage said.

"Uh... yeah," Kanae said, trying to run away. 

"NOOOOO!" Mamiya said. "Please stay and be stabbed by this even MORE purtiful black rose."

"OKAY!" Kanae smiled. Mamiya smiled back and stabbed her in the heart with black rose. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kanae screamed and died.

Okay, so she really didn't die.

****

MEANWHILE!!

"I am oblivious to the fact that something interesting and fun and cool happens at Ohtori Academy daily, so I'm going to bitch about how Ohtori Academy is so god damn boring!" Wakaba said.

Utena shrugged and opened the locker door, and found a card. "Whoo hoo," she said.

The shadow girls made a play. But that is unimportant. Lets get onto the next scene, she we?

****

AT SUNSET!!

"Ugh! Not the STAIRS again!" Utena sighed, disappointed. _You know, they should REALLY make an elevator. And one without criminally insane people and child molesters._

"Oh, shut up and climb the stairs," said Anthy. "OOOOOOH! I'm gonna give you an outfit upgrade!!"

"I like, look, so totally cool, yo!" Utena said. She appeared at the arena.

Kanae smiled. "HIIIII! I'm going to duel you and kill the Rose Bride, for it is my destiny, and I SWORE ON A PURTIFUL BLACK ROSE, SO IT WILL BE THIS WAY!!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Utena said.

"Blah, blah, real me, blah, blah," said Kanae.

Utena pulled the Sword of Dios out of Anthy. Then Kanae and Utena dueled. Kanae lost, and she screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE PURTIFUL BLACK ROSE LIED TO ME!!" She screamed and fell to the ground, asleep.

****

SIX DAYS LATER!!

"Oh cool! Kanae doesn't remember anything from last night," Anthy said.

"WHAT?!" Utena cried out.

"Uh... I mean... anything from the duel! Yeah," Anthy said hurriedly. "Anyway, I'm going to go see my brother so we can have incest time that you are so unaware about."

"Say hi for me," said Utena, who didn't seem to hear the last part.

Anthy walked over to her brothers house. They had Incest time.

"Good. Maybe that will keep him away from me for a while," said Crystal.

"CALL MY NAME AND SAVE ME FROM THE DAAAAAAAAARK!" sang Alexi.

"...yeeeeeeeeah," Crystal said.

"Akio still wants you," Alexi stopped singing.

"DON'T REMIND ME!" screamed Crystal.

THE END OF CHAPTER TWO!

We don't have any ending notes. Go away. Or read chapter three, if it is up. If not, wait for chapter three. Because I said so.

And one last thing...

This is dedicated, to my love, Lauren...

Crystal began to sing:

"The LLLLLOOOOOOVVVVEEEE BOAT!!"

(Quick disclaimer: I don't own that, either.)


	3. BOINKING CHIBIS! OH MY DIOS! Side story ...

Authoresses Notes:

Alexi looks up. "Sorry guys... I'm going to have to change that."

CO-Authoress' Notes:

Alexi nods. "Much better. Anyway... HI! I'm the not-so-known CO-Authoress of _Revolutionary Girl Utena: The Black Rose Boinks_! Not many people give me credit for what I do. I helped Crystal/Yadda with a LOT of stuff for this fic. I was the one who made the title." She thinks for a moment.

"Before you think I'm whining, I'm not. I'm making a point. Now... Crystal has gotten a review from someone named Fancy. I would like to say thank you for your constructive criticism, Miss Fancy. Yeah, she does a lot of self-inserting. I'm trying to break her from that habit, but there's not much I can do. Anyway, with the Touga glomping... what can I say? I'm a cliche Touga fangirl. And for the Akio bashing? Crystal and I don't really HATE Akio. He's just fun to torment. Like Kanae. I like Kanae, and Kozue, it's just they're so much fun to kill."

Alexi thinks for a moment. "Anyway... Since Akio and Touga don't appear much in the rest of the episodes we're making a parody of, we won't be appearing much... EXCEPT, in the parody of Episode 17, Thorns of Death. The chapter will probably be called Boinks of Death. The reason we (or more truthfully, I) will be in that chapter a lot is because I am a HUGE Shiori fan. 

"I like her even more than I like Touga. I'm going to glomp her and protect her from bashers. Which makes me want to bring up a good point. The only one I REALLY hate on Utena is Ruka, for a stupid reason. He hurt Shiori. But I'm allowed to have this stupid reason, because people hate Shiori because she hurt Juri. Anyway..."

Alexi smiles. "I can't find Crystal ANYWHERE, and I wanted to make this known. Also, two things will happen in every chapter. One, Utena will throw up, and two, Kanae will die. Or at least pretend to die at least once. I am making a little side-story for you to enjoy until Crystal and I can get together. So enjoy. Also, I don't know why the CO-Authoress notes are in story format. Blame the Millennium Rubber Fish.

"Also, this plotline is something seen a lot in the Yu-Gi-Oh section. I'm going to use it for Utena, and REALLY make it messed up. Any objections, please come see me. Also, I am not as funny as Crystal. Also, I have permission to do this. I am the CO-Authoress. And the cast of Spongebob Square Pants are in this chapter, but I don't own them, okay?"

****

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN UTENA. (*pause*) DO NOT SUE. I SUE BACK. (*cough cough- PENCILS cough cough*)

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Title: Revolutionary Girl Utena: The Black Rose Boinks.

****

By: Yadda Talkalot (This chapter completely written by the CO-Authoress, Alexi Serenitia)

****

Side Story: BOINKING CHIBIS!! OH MY DIOS!!

"Break time!" said the director.

Everyone sighed in relief. After making a parody to an episode, you can really get tired. Anyway, Alexi walked up to them, holding a box.

"I thought you said you were going to cut back on the self-inserting," said Touga.

"Yes, I did say that, didn't I?" Alexi asked. "I am. I just need to get this chapter started. Here's a box. Don't open it," She walked off to worship Shiori and Touga.

Touga looked down at the box. "Hm... Maybe I can kill Kanae with whatever is in this box," he said, opening it.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Touga looked at everyone else. "Hey, what happened to you guys?"

"...You opened the box," said Utena. "I don't feel so good..."

"The box made you chibis?" Touga asked.

"Yeah," Utena said, running away and throwing up. She threw up on Chibi Kanae, who died from the extra-acidy vomit.

"Not only did it make us chibis, big brother..." Nanami started. "It made us boinking chibis. I'm off to boink Miki now."

_Eeeeeew..._ Touga thought. He walked to see if anyone else was still normal. No one was, except him, of course. Akio and Anthy were having their usual incest time, only it was worse since they were boinking Chibis now. "Oh my Dios..." He said, running off to vomit with Utena. He ended up vomiting on the dead Kanae.

Shiori blinked. "Wow, boinking," She said, walking off to torment Juri. After finding Juri trying to boink Miki (like Nanami was trying to), she thought better of it. "Weird... HEY! WAIT A SECOND!!"

Everyone turned to face the dark haired girl. "What?"

"Juri likes me, though!" Shiori replied.

"They're boinking Chibis. They'll boink anyone," Touga said, reading the side of the box, which had this information on it. 

"This is seriously messed up," Shiori said. "I'm a chibi, and I'm not boinking anyone-" Poor Shiori was caught off by her urge to boink Touga. "AHHHHHH!" She screamed, hiding in the broom closet.

Nanami and Juri did something that neither of them would remember when they were unchibified (which is probably a good thing).

"WAZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP?!" yelled Miki, who didn't get boinked.

"WAZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP?!" yelled Shiori from the broom closet.

Everyone yelled it back. 

Touga walked to a computer and got onto AOL. A few minutes later, he got a porn IM. Lets just say he clicked on it.

Saionji sighed. He wanted to boink Anthy, and he was all alone. Wakaba bounced along. "BOINK!" 

...Yeeeeeeeeeah.

Anyway, Saionji waited until Akio and Anthy were done with incest time. Then he grabbed Anthy and threw her into a helicopter, flying away.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Utena yelled after she was done vomiting. "ANTHY!!" She ran and get into another helicopter.

Utena cursed as she chased after Saionji's helicopter. "BRING HER BACK, YOU BASTARD!" She yelled, even though Saionji could not hear her.  
"Soon, my darling Rose Bride, we shall be alone!"  
"We already are alone, Saionji. And I am not your Rose Bride anymore. Now lets boink."

"YAY!" Saionji smiled. Then no one was driving the helicopter...

***

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shiori screamed. "I'M OOC!! And I'm a chibi! We must set this right!" Shiori went on a journey with Chu-Chu to save everyone.

And everyone else boinked. But you didn't need to know that.

Shiori walked and walked and walked and walked... blah. Lots of walking. Anyway, she bumped into the last thing she'd ever expect to walk into...

A giant pineapple. Yes, a giant pineapple. Shiori blinked.

__

What the...?

Then, Plankton appeared. Well, sort of. Shiori couldn't see him.

"Hey, girl!" Plankton yelled.

Shiori blinked. "Did I just hear something?" Even in her adorible chibi form, she still couldn't see the little... uh... bug type thingy. (Don't ask me!!)

"Look DOWN!" said Plankton.

Shiori looked down. "Oh. Hello."

"I know what you did last summer," Plankton said.

"Really? What did I do?" asked Shiori.

"You killed Kenny! You bastard!"

Shiori blinked. "That was strange... have anything useful to tell me, oh small one?"

"Yes," Plankton said. "Give me the secret recipe for the crabby patty, and I will give you the cure to turn your friends back to normal."

"Oh, okay," Shiori said. "By the way, they're not really my friends. Well, I want to boink Touga, but..."

"Riiiiight," said Plankton. "JUST GIVE ME THE SECRET!!"

"Okay, okay, jeez," said Shiori, stomping off. "How did I get underwater anyway?" She asked, looking up. "And how can I breathe?"

"MAGIC!!" screamed a mysterious voice (most likely the CO-Authoress). "Never give up, Shiori! You cannot fail, as long as Chu-Chu is by your side!!"

"Oh, I forgot all about that little monkey... thing..." Shiori looked at Chu-Chu.

"Chu-Chu," said Chu-Chu.

"Whatever," said Shiori. She walked to the Crusty Crab. "I guess this is the place," She said, scratching her head. "Wow." She walked in, and got stared at by many underwater creatures. "Oh, jeez, I'm not THAT scary looking," She rolled her eyes. 

"Chu-Chu," said Chu-Chu.

Shiori walked to register. "One crabby patty to go, please," She said.

Squidward looked at her. "We don't do to go anymore, weird looking thing."

"Do it, or I'll destroy your clarinet I mysteriously knew you had," Shiori glared.  
"NOOOO! Not my clarinet! Anything but my clarinet!" said Squidward. "One crabby patty!"

"Coming up!" Spongebob said in his overly cheerful way. 

__

I'm going to need some aspirin when this is all over... thought Shiori. As she was handed the crabby patty, Squidward looked Shiori in her overly huge chibi eyes.

"Money? To pay for that?" He asked.

"Clarinet. Will. Die," Shiori said in a scary monotone voice.

"Okay, okay! Take it!" Squidward said.

"Good," Shiori's voice was still in that scary monotone tone.

"Chu-Chu," said Chu-Chu.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?! ARGH!" Shiori yelled, (kawaii) voice back to normal.

"Chu-Chu."

Shiori sighed, and walked to Plankton. "Here."

"YES! IT'S FINALLY MIIIIIIINE!!" Plankton hugged the crabby patty.

"Now give me the cure," Shiori said.

"I tricked you! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!" Plankton declared as he took out a raygun and a box, which could reverse the boinking chibi spell. He was planning to destroy the cure to make Shiori cry. However, Chu-Chu ate him before he could do anything.

"Wow, you were actually useful for something," said Shiori, picking up the box. "I DID IT! I SAVED THE UTENA WORLD!!" She said, doing a spiffy dance.

"Chu-Chu," said Chu-Chu.

****

FIVE HOURS LATER!!

"My rear end still hurts," said Miki, who was still chibi.

"Shut up, and lets boink," said Nanami.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shiori appeared. "I HAVE THE CURE!!"

"Really? Delighting," Touga said, still looking at porn.

Shiori opened the box. Everyone went back to normal.

"What happened? This is... weird..." Akio said. "Hey, is that porn?" He asked Touga.

"It sure is," said Touga.

"I WANNA LOOK AT IT, TOO!" said Akio. And he did.

****

THE NEXT DAY!!

"Hey Nanami!" Juri called.

"Yes?" asked Nanami.

"I really enjoyed yesterday..." Juri grinned.  
"What are you talking about?" asked Nanami.

"Nevermind," said Juri.

"Good. I'm off to hit on Miki," said Nanami.

"Spiffy," Juri replied. The two went their separate ways.

But the question is... what happened to Saionji and Anthy?

****

THE ANSWER!!

Saionji and Anthy looked at each other.

"Anthy, I really loved our time yesterday..." said Saionji.

"So did I," Anthy smiled sexy-like. "Lets not tell Miss Utena about this, okay? We'll just say you were an evil bastard who kidnapped me, and I whined and screamed about it the whole time."

"Sounds cool," Saionji said. They took out some parachutes, and jumped out of the helicopter. Kanae, who had mysteriously revived, was driving the helicopter. The helicopter crashed into a mountain, and Kanae died.

Utena saw Anthy. "ANTHY!!" She cried as Anthy landed in her arms. 

"MISS UTENA!!" Anthy cried, hugging Utena. "It was so horrible!! He was mean and he abused me!! And he went against the rose seal, which is a CRIME!!"

Utena glared at Saionji. "You hurt my friend. Die." She jumped at him and beat him to death with a rubber fish.

And then, this messed up side story ended. It shouldn't have started. Blame the CO-Authoresses. And the Millennium Rubber Fish.

****

END OF SIDE STORY

Told you I wasn't as funny as Crystal. 

Now, the REAL fic will resume as usual. Stay tuned, and look out for...

__

REVOLUTIONARY GIRL UTENA: THE BLACK ROSE BOINKS!!

Chapter three: The World Boinked From Kozue.

"ALEXI!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Crystal screamed.

"Looks like she's baaaack!" Alexi sing-songed. "And just in time!" She winked. "Don't worry folks, I'll distract her! CRYSTAL! AKIO'S STILL AFTER YOU!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why did you have to remind me?!"


End file.
